All in a day's time...

So we've all heard the saying "there's a time for everything," in fact, it's a quote from the Bible. Unfortunately this is something I struggle with...

I seem to be unable to detach myself from certain circumstances I've done and experiences I've had. Why do I become so involved in such experiences to find them ripped away from me when these are experiences that have shaped me so much?

Now, this goes back further than GT, although this is one of the things I'm struggling with to let go. Or to not define my current and present actions...uh, I'm not quite sure how to articulate this. These experiences, I let them get in my current way of living by comparing my present circumstances to my past experiences. Obviously things were great when I was in Guate, and working at Central, and just hanging out with the girls, and not having to worry about the life and future that is staring me directly in the face and comparing it to others' circumstances. Obviously this isn't a time for me to be doing such things...but I can't get away from it.

I was slowly making a difference, one person at a time through helping with homework, listening to a stressful day, watching someone color paint, or draw, listening to a story, interpreting actions, or just being and living in a positive and loving environment and just loving and pouring my heart into the kids. How can everything I once held so dear and was able to minister at the same time be taken from me. I was satisfied with changing the world one person at a time, with doing little tasks and serving others in the smallest details in life. Now, all I can focus on is how I don't have this anymore...or at least not the same exact circumstances. Those were where I was able to pour my heart and soul into. I was able to step outside myself and my current mood/circumstances and simply exist to make someone else's life better through my actions and words. I was loving with my all; nothing I've ever experienced before. It was great; I'd love to relive every moment possible. I would love to go back to these kids and people and know I was making a positive difference in their lives.

I'm torn because of this...my heart is in a different place than my current circumstances. When I am able to tap into these past experiences every once in awhile, I experience an outpouring of joy. How can I not reminisce and focus on these experiences? These were the things that defined me, that not only changed the people around me but molded me into who I am today. I live for these kids, for those patients, for anyone who affected me great or small. If I could only continue growing and learning with them, then life would be just dandy right?

Unfortunately I believe that God calls each of us to certain tasks and places at particular times in our lives. I believe these times for me have passed and a new time/era has dawned. But how am I able to leave such people that have meant the world to me? I loved these people with all of me. I took care of them more than I took care of myself at times.

Tonight Shane Claiborne spoke as well as other panelists and they discussed how we can begin changing the world with just one person at a time. Just by loving the people around us we can show the love of God. We don't need to go to a foreign country or the other side of the planet to do ministry. We can do ministry by being true Christians, not the hypocritical, judgmental ones, but the true, genuine Christians which is Biblically rooted and founded by Christ and his perfect example of ministry.

So here I am...sitting and pondering what this all means to me and how this will affect my daily life. I can show Jesus to people here through my actions, which are not to be hypocritical or judgmental, but just by loving who they are in any manner. By getting to know them and their issues and allowing myself to be changed by them instead of me trying to change them. Bueno. But what if I feel as if I don't have these opportunities? Granted I do, but not like I did in the past. So how do I allow my current situation to change me in drastic measures? And how am I able to apply my past experiences and learnings to my current circumstances? And how do I not let happenings around me and attitudes around me influence my attitude or willingness to complete the task of loving those who are around me? How can I minimize my wants and focus on God's demands for my life? I'm not asking to solve any worldwide epidemic or problem, even though that would be pretty awesome, I'm just asking for the realization of how I am able to live this out daily as it is my sole desire right now.

The times have changed, the winds have shifted and now it's time to move on with life; however, I refuse to leave my experiences behind and act like they haven't affected me. They shape me. I now turn to a new way to see how I am able to pour myself into new relationships. Love God. Love people. Love self. Love makes the world a better place. I'm going to make the world a better place through the love I can show. Big or small. I'm walking down this unknown, twisty road with lots of ups and downs. Regardless of my questions...I know this is my call. (These questions will continue to exist for me to ponder.) There's an up to every down...I'm determined to find the up on this one while continuing to love everyone and everything that's shaped me.

And what does this all mean...

So I've been pondering for a long time...something I seem to forget to do.

My latest ponder is about who I am and what does this all mean for me and those around me and my future and everything else.

Foremost, I've been drastically changed through G-term. Nothing has impacted my life more than that wonderful experience. I don't have words to describe it. I was exposed to so many things while there that I didn't and don't know what to do with myself. I never dreamed of such a stellar experience and that I was privileged enough to have this experience is beyond me. Who would have thought that I could survive in another country on my own, completely out of my comfort zone. Well, let me tell you, this became my comfort and I long to go back and relieve those awesome experiences. When this became a home to me, I was ripped out of it and put back into my real home. Talk about a traumatic experience. Not being back home with my family or anything, but being placed back somewhere I did not feel comfortable anymore. Everything had changed. I was surrounded by the people I loved the most and I didn't know what to do with myself. So what does a person do with that? Of course, think about how they relate to their current circumstances and when I found that I had problems relating...well then what did I do? Struggle through it, persevere, the only thing I could do.

Then I was ripped out of the home and hands of the people I loved most and placed in an entirely new environment. Now don't get me wrong...I love Bethel and my friends, who have become like family, here. Nothing can take that feeling and knowledge away from me. But it was a bit of a shock and I suddenly felt as if I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing or how I was to cope with another drastic change.

These were some of the most difficult experiences I've had, with very few people who could relate to me and the trouble I was having adjusting to many new things.

So I believe I'm just starting to scratch the surface through the processing of such events. The result is the question: "Who am I? Where is my identity rooted in and how does this affect my daily life and actions?"

Of course, the good Christian answer would be, well of course, I'm rooted in the Father's love who will continue to love me unconditionally no matter my circumstances or actions.
Yes, I know this and it's all good and fine, but what does this all really mean? How does this really affect my life or am I just being idealistic saying that it does affect my life?

I do believe that God is watching over my everyday events and loves me unconditionally. But how does this define me? Is my identity truly rooted in this? I DO believe it, but sometimes just don't understand it. God is supposed to be the source for my identity...OK...check. How?

Furthermore, if this is the case, how does this affect my relationships with my friends/family?
How will this affect my future and my hopes and aspirations? This is supposed to define me. My identity is found in Christ.

Additionally, how have my past experiences and encounters affected how I view who I am and my purpose here? These are experiences I can't and won't let go of. These are critical to who I am and how I view life and the world surrounding me. These make a difference in how I now view the world and the injustice within it. My experiences are why I am who I am and define my actions. Now, some of that past is something I am trying to break free from. Ridding myself of stereotypes, prejudgments, and thinking patterns.

I've come a long way...but there's a longer road ahead of me. I don't want to go on basing my life on something that I don't believe or don't agree with. I want my identity founded on the basic principles of God. However, I struggle to see and know what this means for me. I'm trying...this counts. I'm not giving up hope because I know my identity can rest in God and his plan for my life, which I believe is why I am struggling with this.
There will be more rants to come...guaranteed.