And what does this all mean...

So I've been pondering for a long time...something I seem to forget to do.

My latest ponder is about who I am and what does this all mean for me and those around me and my future and everything else.

Foremost, I've been drastically changed through G-term. Nothing has impacted my life more than that wonderful experience. I don't have words to describe it. I was exposed to so many things while there that I didn't and don't know what to do with myself. I never dreamed of such a stellar experience and that I was privileged enough to have this experience is beyond me. Who would have thought that I could survive in another country on my own, completely out of my comfort zone. Well, let me tell you, this became my comfort and I long to go back and relieve those awesome experiences. When this became a home to me, I was ripped out of it and put back into my real home. Talk about a traumatic experience. Not being back home with my family or anything, but being placed back somewhere I did not feel comfortable anymore. Everything had changed. I was surrounded by the people I loved the most and I didn't know what to do with myself. So what does a person do with that? Of course, think about how they relate to their current circumstances and when I found that I had problems relating...well then what did I do? Struggle through it, persevere, the only thing I could do.

Then I was ripped out of the home and hands of the people I loved most and placed in an entirely new environment. Now don't get me wrong...I love Bethel and my friends, who have become like family, here. Nothing can take that feeling and knowledge away from me. But it was a bit of a shock and I suddenly felt as if I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing or how I was to cope with another drastic change.

These were some of the most difficult experiences I've had, with very few people who could relate to me and the trouble I was having adjusting to many new things.

So I believe I'm just starting to scratch the surface through the processing of such events. The result is the question: "Who am I? Where is my identity rooted in and how does this affect my daily life and actions?"

Of course, the good Christian answer would be, well of course, I'm rooted in the Father's love who will continue to love me unconditionally no matter my circumstances or actions.
Yes, I know this and it's all good and fine, but what does this all really mean? How does this really affect my life or am I just being idealistic saying that it does affect my life?

I do believe that God is watching over my everyday events and loves me unconditionally. But how does this define me? Is my identity truly rooted in this? I DO believe it, but sometimes just don't understand it. God is supposed to be the source for my identity...OK...check. How?

Furthermore, if this is the case, how does this affect my relationships with my friends/family?
How will this affect my future and my hopes and aspirations? This is supposed to define me. My identity is found in Christ.

Additionally, how have my past experiences and encounters affected how I view who I am and my purpose here? These are experiences I can't and won't let go of. These are critical to who I am and how I view life and the world surrounding me. These make a difference in how I now view the world and the injustice within it. My experiences are why I am who I am and define my actions. Now, some of that past is something I am trying to break free from. Ridding myself of stereotypes, prejudgments, and thinking patterns.

I've come a long way...but there's a longer road ahead of me. I don't want to go on basing my life on something that I don't believe or don't agree with. I want my identity founded on the basic principles of God. However, I struggle to see and know what this means for me. I'm trying...this counts. I'm not giving up hope because I know my identity can rest in God and his plan for my life, which I believe is why I am struggling with this.
There will be more rants to come...guaranteed.